Saturday, July 13, 2024

Courteney Cox Crawls In Her Bikini, NFL Reporter Jane Slater Sizzles & Georgia Couple’s Disgusting Act

Must read

Well, you wanna know how I know it’s July 10? I just spent a solid 20 minutes staring at this screen, trying to figure out how to start today’s class, and came up with nothing. Nada. Zero. Zilch. Crickets. 

So, naturally, I went to Twitter and mindlessly scrolled, hoping I’d see something that I could parlay into a class-starting topic. Nope. Nothing, again. There was plenty of Mike Gundy stuff, and Trump stuff, and Hawk Tuah crap – my God that just won’t end, will it? – but nothing that really grabbed me by the nuts and pulled me in. 

So, after that, I went to the Hard Rock app and threw together a +375 Caitlin Clark parlay for this afternoon’s Fever-Mystics game. That’s right. I was so bored this morning that I cobbled together a WNBA bet at 11 a.m. on a Wednesday. 

And that, boys and girls, is how you know it’s July 10 on the sports calendar. Did it hit? I have no clue as of right now, because it hasn’t started yet. BUT, by the time I finish today’s class, I’ll have my answer. Stick around to find out!

On that note, welcome to a Hump Day Nightcaps – the one where we overcome the dead time of year in sports with NFL reporter Jane Slater, who returns to class today with an absolute heater from the golf course. 

Few more weeks, folks. We can do it. 

What else? I’ve got Courteney Cox checking in at 60 from a freezer, just the dumbest column from an MSNBC doctor about Joe Biden, and the wildest story you’ll ever hear (not really) out of a small town in Georgia. 

It involves butt funnels and margaritas, for those who need a reason to stay in today’s class until the final bell. What a tease!

Grab you a Piña colada for National Piña colada Day and settle in for a Hump Day ‘Cap!

What a start to the week for the lefties

It’s only Wednesday, but I’ve gotta hand it to the hardcore, dedicated lefties out there … y’all are GRINDING this week. Seriously, it’s been impressive to watch. 

The meltdown from the debate – which now took place two weeks ago! – continues to be just a sight to behold. You’ve got Joe Biden basically holding the democratic party hostage at this point, Trump challenging Sleepy to an 18-hole golf match, and even ABC’s George Stpehfnsnsifhdiebepolus admitting defeat. 

But none of it compares to this little op-ed from an MSNBC doctor who – oh by the way – also used to work for the Obamas:

From columnist Dr. Kavita Patel:

But I came away from the debate with a different takeaway: How does the United States treat its aging population? Despite advancements in diversity, equity, and inclusion initiatives, ageism remains one of the last socially acceptable prejudices, not so subtly ingrained in our culture, media and institutions.

Biden’s symptoms on display during the debate were a medical textbook of common findings for a geriatric population — delayed response time, difficulty finding words and so on. Combine that with little sleep and a viral illness or a cold, anyone over the age of 40 would likely suffer similar symptoms like hoarse voice, slowed reaction time and confusion.

… a conversation about aging need not be yet another thing that divides us. Instead, it is a chance to reflect deeply and show great compassion for our elderly.

I mean, just the ultimate spin zone here. Insane. Hilarious. Sad. Predictable. Scary. Insert whichever adjective you’d like, and it works. 

Mentioning DEI? Check. 

Saying something beyond outlandish? Check. (No, Doc – no regular 40-year-old in this country would be confused because they had a cold. I promise)

Blaming US – the PEOPLE!!!! – because we aren’t compassionate enough for the elderly? Check!!!!!!! 

Sorry, Kavita, that we aren’t being nice enough to grandpa Joe. He’s only running the country. Our bad. 

Solid box-checking here from MSNBC. Keep on fighting the good fight, guys!

But they weren’t done!

Nope, not even close. After MSNBC decided to blame ageism on Joe Biden being on a different planet, Hollywood checked in just today with a couple oldies. 

And by oldies, I mean they dusted off their tried and true sticking point – mask up!!! That’s right. Mask up is still somehow a thing in 2024. 

Again, they are WILD:

Save us, Jane Slater

That last comment made me laugh. It was my first thought, too. COVID broke these lunatics. They’re just broken. Gone. Done. Their brains are complete mush at this point. 

PS: Morgan Fairchild thinking she’s never had COVID, when I promise you she’s had COVID but just didn’t realize it because most people don’t, is just so perfect. 

PPS: how about Violet Affleck? That, right there, is the product of home life. That’s what happens when you grow up in Hollywood. It’s why that place is the absolute worst. 

PPPS: take a breath, Violet! Goodness. How long do you think it would’ve taken Joe to get through all that? Easily 10 minutes. Maybe 20. Whew. 

PPPPS (last one, I promise): how many of y’all know someone with Long COVID? Violet tells us 1 in 10 people have it. I’m calling absolute bullshit on that one. I’d wager to bet nobody reading this knows anyone with Long COVID. 

OK, that’s enough PSing. Back to the BSing – with NFL Network’s Jane Slater!

Society thinks outside the box, Courteney Cox climbs out of one & Gundy memes

Welcome back to class, Jane! Been a minute. Before we know it, you’ll be back on our TVs at 9:10 a.m. Sunday mornings doing live hits inside Jerry’s World before a 4:25 Giants-Cowboys game on FOX with Tom Brady on the call. 

God, I can’t wait. Have I mentioned that?

OK, rapid-fire time because this Caitlin Clark bet is getting dicey. First up? ¡Ay, caramba!

Should that have come with a Graphic Content warning? I dunno. It’s blurred out enough, I reckon. Y’all can find the raw (hey now!) version on the internet on your own time. It ain’t hard to find … I hear. 

Anyway, this scandal has apparently ROCKED the small town of Norcross, Georgia, with residents on high alert. Seriously. But wait – there’s more!

From the NY Post:

Joe Boyett took a now-viral video of himself attempting to funnel a margarita down the butt of his wife, Mary Sweats, inside Rodeo Mexican Restaurant in Waycross, Georgia, according to TMZ.

However, Boyett couldn’t get the funnel to work — so he tossed it and poured the tequila-based beverage from the pitcher straight down his wife’s rear end as she was on all fours in the restaurant’s booth.

Sweats then called the cops to complain about their raunchy video being leaked and going viral online — a call that instead triggered the couple’s arrests, TMZ said.

Oh no!!! What a rookie mistake. Look, I haven’t learned much in this life – yet, at least – but I do know one thing: if you’re gonna funnel margaritas out of someone’s butt at a Mexican restaurant, you absolutely do not call the cops, under any circumstances. That’s butt-funneling 101. Amateur stuff, really. 

Next? Did Mike Gundy just somehow top his I’m a man, I’m 40! rant nearly two decades later? Hard to believe, but he just may have!

Look, agree with Mike or not, can we at least laugh? I know some people are pissed at him today, and that’s fine. I get it. It’s a slippery slope when you decide to navigate the drunk driving joke hill, because people will certainly get offended. 

BUT, I’ve always said, funny is funny – and the internet brought it strong with the post-Gundy takes. Longtime Nightcaps student – and noted OK. State fan – Ryan N. was ready to run through a brick wall for his coach:

Zach,

Gundy for life after this.

I think this rivals “I’m a man, I’m 40”.

Go Pokes!

OK, that’s it for today. Quick end to class, I know, but my Caitlin Clark parlay just flopped because she couldn’t manage two rebounds in the second half. Awesome. 

Time to ice up with Courteney Cox and get back after it tomorrow!

Let’s go have one. 

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m. (roughly, we’re not robots).

You guilty of ageism? Email me at Zach.Dean@OutKick.com. 

 

Latest article